do not judge

Angers radiates from the center of my throat and then shoots directly out my temples simultaneously sinking to the depths of my chest.  I can feel it.  It hurts.  And then the guilt of feeling this anger doubles the pain.  And then, to top it off, a realization of what exactly it is that is angering me so (something usually so trivial and of absolutely of no importance in both the long and short-haul) is sickening.

Today that object of deeply seeded, burning with rage anger was believe it or not: the bop it.  Yes, you read that correctly.  The bop it.  You know that electronic simon says toy?  Oh yes, laugh it up.  But I will tell you the situation was true and real.  No laughing matter whatsoever.

You see, both boys were finally gently fluttering their big old lashes over their baby blues.  Sleep was eminent for both my babies at last… and sigh…. me.  It had been a mind numbing morning and I was fantasizing about curling up in the afternoon sun and getting a little shut-eye.  So, I guess that explains why when that god forsaken electronic devil tucked deep inside the boys closet decided to take on a mind of its own, taunting me over and over with the most ironic line in my motherhood career (possibly my life) “Ahh….. I’m going to sleep!”  my eyes honestly began to twitch.

I lurched for the closet door to silence that ridiculous toy, the sudden movement furthering the boys excitement over the entertaining nap time fiasco.  To no avail, it continued to stab my brain with its only phrase over.. and over.. and over again!  I sprinted to my bedroom and buried it deep inside our tower of pillows attempting to muffle the exasperating voice.  Quick as a flash I was back in the boy’s room hushing, rocking, singing to them in hopes that they would once again enter back into dream land.  Alas, they were both. wide. awake.

That is when I snapped.

Shaking with frustration I desperately searched for a screwdriver or a knife that would unscrew the battery case on the bop it.  After much fumbling I was able to take it apart and my only option was to throw it away and take out the trash.  This thoroughly confused Miles which enhanced my guilt as well.

With the boys shut in their room I dashed outside and growled a sound only heard in the last moments of a long labor.  (I would know) My eyeballs bulged I am sure.  I dove back inside and buried my head under the cushions of my couch.  Eventually I pulled myself together and came to the rescue of my two very confused and not so happy with me for leaving them in their room boys.  But, I will not lie, I took my time.

I’m not exaggerating.  To be quite honest, it is humiliating.  But, a little birdy mentioned to me perhaps the raw truth was in order on this old blog otherwise well, I would be lying.  I try to focus on the good in my days, and try to leave out the very worst.  But, that is doing my fellow mama’s a disservice in fact.  It is so incredibly comforting to be fully aware that we are not alone.  So, have you had a shameful moment?  Tell me.  I need to know.

Well, the story does end somewhat happy, (sorry birdy) but only because I decided to write this down.  When proofreading this ludicrous post I just had to laugh.  In fact, I laughed so hard I still have tears flowing.  I guess it is a laughing matter after all.  Bop it.  Geesh.

Lucky for me my husbands heart is full of grace.  He has banished me to the spot for the evening meal to eat alone in peace and recuperate.  Hope this gave someone a sense of camaraderie.   Happy Monday!

4 thoughts on “do not judge

  1. love this. You’re so awesome. I DO NOT know what I would’ve done in that situation, but I can guarantee it would’ve been similar. You saved your yell for outside, which is such self control (in my eyes). I’m trying to come up with my best story- but, I have so damn many I don’t know where to start.
    There have been more days than I want to admit to, that I was on the phone with my husband in tears over some ‘fight’ i was having with my ‘strong-willed’ three year old. I’ve yelled at my kids when I should’ve just taken a deep breath & walked away.
    Staying at home with kids is HARD- just to survive is hard, but then all the ‘other’ pressures we put on ourselves- have we read enough today? what craft are we going to do? have we made all our homemade healthy, whole food snacks & meals? have we shown our kid(s) we love them enough? You’re with someone all day- someone who needs you 24/7 is almost always asking you for something, constantly saying your name, wanting to be entertained & wanting you to see what they are doing. And the days that you haven’t slept enough or something else in your life is stressing you out or you’re just plain in a bad mood- it gets to be TOO much.
    I keep telling a woefully underslept friend of mind that moms should be recruited into the CIA- the things we can do while sleep-deprived would scare away the biggest, meanest NAVY seals.. No terrorist could get a secret out of a mom….
    You are awesome- your blog is an inspiration to me- the extras you do with your kids, the way you love them and the joy you have with them, most of the time, is something I look up to- in a big way. And to hear that you’re human? Hell, that just makes me SMILE!!! And feel a lot better about myself.. 🙂
    keep it up baby- sending you all my positive mothering vibes…

  2. This post and comment are awesome! Staying home with kids is SOOOO much harder than most people think it is. You asked for a story so I’ll tell you a brief one that happened yesterday. I cried in my kitchen during a playdate with 3 other moms and 3 other kids at my house!!! One of my sons would not stop hitting and pushing every single child repeatedly. I guess I was at the end of my rope because he had already had a rough week in terms of his behavior being less than polite (to put it mildly). I lost my composure because I was so completely at a loss as to what to do, and truth be told, I still have no idea what to do (I don’t believe in spanking and I think my boys are too young for time-outs). I got on last night and ordered a DVD by Dr. Harvey Karp entitled The Happiest Toddler on the Block. Its supposed to have good tips on age appropriate discipline techniques. So, anyway, we’re all in good company! Thanks for sharing your trials and tribulations! Its helps us all!

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