One week deep into resolutions, I have come up with some seriously wonderful conclusions. Or beginnings. Too early to determine I suppose. One week ago I began a nightly meditation. Short and sweet, something doable; Ten minutes. But, I found I have a “busy” mind and ten minutes soon turned into twenty. Twenty minutes of no obligations; Of clouds of thoughts passing through, in and out, quickly at first and then slowing down until I can deliberately let them leave, no judgements. Just gone.
I have discovered a bit of resistance, I have uncovered a bit of faith. And alas, I feel a bit of relief. Mindfulness is such a settling feeling. Impossibly short-lived in my life, but one I hope to bring forth a bit more often in the year to come. My life is worth this at least. Everyone’s is in fact. Mindfulness is euphoric.
I envision it as living precisely as a child does.
I remember eating Oreos as a little girl. Each one required several minutes. I would carefully unscrew them so as not to ruin the perfect circle, then scrape the frosting off with my two front teeth until there was nothing left but tiny stripes. Then I would lick the frosting side clean. Finally I would take the first half and tiny bite by tiny bit I would suck all the flavor out, feeling the chocolate just melt away and swallow. This whole process took quite a bit of time I am sure!
Oh, how things have changed. First of all, I know better than to eat the hydrogenated oil and high fructose corn syrup laden product most likely strewn with gmo’s. But luckily, with a decent replacement (Newman’s Own makes a pretty good knock off, that while isn’t exactly healthy, it does hit the spot!), but also I can down a whole slew of them without even a thought about it. Oh, how true. How very true and very sad. They days when one Oreo was all that existed in the world have passed, and I would like to reclaim them. Not for my waistlines sake (exactly), but for equanimity’s sake.
There is just this moment. Your future is dictated by it. Your past is fast asleep. Initially I began my resolution to find a piece of true calm in my day. To give me an evening ritual to wind down and find solace in my own mind. Already I see it as much more. It is a deliberate pause where I am set on clearing my mind of unnecessary clutter that interferes with any mindfulness. Of course I will not get to worked up about my progress, because that would not be very equanimous of me now would it!
I am more lively. I am more creative. I am more present; For my husband, for my children, for this life.
So try it out! Your inner buddha is waiting for you I hear. We just have to stop interfering.
ps- I have run out of space on this blog! So until I can figure out what to do next, good-bye! Hopefully not for long, I will miss this space dearly!
2 thoughts on “equanimity”
Oh no, I have just found this blog. Please find more space! I found you through the Christopherus anniversary blog post, and your 52 breads really intrigued me. The post above came into my reader just as I finished listening to a fascinating podcast about mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn http://www.onbeing.org/program/opening-our-lives/138 Weird when things like that happen.
Anyway, I can’t wait to poke around here some more. Good luck with finding more space.
oh my goodness thank you for the compliments! What an interesting podcast… thanks for sharing. I believe more space is in the very near future too 🙂