Yesterday, after a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I decided another miles and mama date was in order.  I took my well-behaved fireman to a restaurant by the water as per request …

… indulged in a little ice cream, and followed up with a night-time playground excursion where we were serenaded by a sweet sixteen birthday party at the pavilion near by.  Nothing quite so sweetly reminiscent as girls dancing with each other in the back of a pick up while the boys nervously stand watch, kids tossing frisbees and footballs, and birthday candles to be proud of.  Oh these kids had no idea how many times I looked in their direction and smiled.  Or maybe they did, and I totally creeped them out.  It feels like no time has passed since that was me, and then it seems like it was a completely different girl.   Either way, it was awesome.

Playing at the park alone, by the way, without the watchful eyes of other mothers, is something everyone should experience.  It is quite fantastic.  I felt free to slay trolls, dance to Sweet Home Alabama, do flips off the swings, you know the reg.  Miles thought I was pretty rad too.  Which was an extra bonus.

The reason for such a down and out day was the passing on of life.  While it is in fact nothing if not just another piece of the puzzle, it is still hard and difficult and full of wonder.  This time though, I had some explaining to do.

“Mama?  Why did Papa die?”

“He was very old Miles.”

Silence.

“When will I be old mama?”

“Not for a long long time baby.”

“Are you and daddy and rowan old?”

“No baby, we are not old. You don’t have to worry.”

oh my… I can tell you this was not easy.

“Mama?  How big was the baby in your belly?”

“Smaller than you could even see my love.”

“When does a baby grow big?”

“It takes many many months.”

Oh, he is too much sometimes.  My sweet loving boy.

“Mama? Don’t be sad.  I love you so much.”

I know little man.  I love you too.  You are wonderful.  I wanted to say this.  I just couldn’t get the words out.